i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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