i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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