Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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