that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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