he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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