Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize