and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
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Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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