dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
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Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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