Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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