Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize