i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The ass gains better be worth it
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