Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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