my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
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He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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