your parents love me but you hate me
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
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we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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