my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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