It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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