Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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