Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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