Only a mothe r could love this liver
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize