Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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