You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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