my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize