Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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