Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize