Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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