a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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me + whiskey = a bad person
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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