I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she smelled like a LAN party
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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