I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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