I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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