I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
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Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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