She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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