we're blogging at a bar
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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