Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
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My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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