i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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