You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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