We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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