I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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