legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think my moral compass just broke
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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