you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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