I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize