dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
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Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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