she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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