I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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