just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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