He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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