Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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