Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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