FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
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And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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