Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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