I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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